Some Filipinos are so conservative that just a hint of sex during a conversation will get them to blush. I think a lot of us are misinformed in such matters because we treat it as a taboo subject. All my friends know that I’m sex-positive, and I’m glad that there are other organizations who think so, too. Eleven organizations have formed a coalition to launch Do It Right, a campaign urging Filipinos to support family planning and reproductive health.
My relationship with men is complicated. While I love the idea of a hot, muscular, and intelligent guy sweeping me off my feet, their hang-ups – being needy, clingy, controlling – are enough to drive me away. Oftentimes I find myself thinking of giving up on men, but whenever I see someone gorgeous, I want to scream, “Why can’t I quit you?“
I’m slowly being re-introduced to the whole chemistry thing because I started dating again this year. Allow me to channel Jourdan Miller from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 20 and reiterate that I haven’t had a boyfriend in three years so I’m a bit rusty when it comes to dating.
I haven’t had the time to date because of my many projects (another Jourdan moment, sorry). This year I went out with only two guys (a far cry from my previous years, when I would date two guys a month on average). I guess I did some growing over the past few months and now I’m ready to open myself up to a romantic possibility. I credit my solo trip to Hong Kong as a cathartic experience.
As I start opening myself up again, I need a refresher on the dynamics of the dating scene. Below are some of the guys I encountered during my colorful past as a a serial dater and who I’m sure I will encounter again:
2. That guy you enjoy going out with, yet have no feelings of lust for. These are the guys you take everywhere. You have similar interests, are on the same wavelength, and they can tolerate all your hangups and flaws. You enjoy their company, and you genuinely like them, but the thought of having sex with them makes you cringe. I personally think that sexual chemistry is just as important as spiritual chemistry because what else is there to do when you find yourselves alone, at home, and in bed?
3. That guy you enjoy hanging out with, having sex with, and everything in between, but you have no desire to be in a relationship with. For me, these are the guys you can invite over for a passionate tryst and still have the desire to talk to after. Granted, most of our dates were spent in bed, and we have never gone out, but there is a special bond between us strengthened by the spiritual act of sex. I’m not sure how it’ll fly if we actually go out, and I’m not sure I’d recognize them in broad daylight – or with their clothes on.
4. That guy you take out to give your ego a boost. I don’t have guys like these, but I can imagine some people having someone they can go out with if their self-esteem needs a boost. I’d rather boost my ego doing something else (like saying something witty on Twitter or announcing on Grindr that I’m looking for sex and seeing how many people will respond), but if that’s how other people nurse their wounded egos, then so be it. They better be prepared for the consequences, though.
5. That guy you like, but who doesn’t like you back. Tough luck. Hey, we can’t always get what we want. It’s all a matter of personal taste and if they don’t dig you, you have to respect their decision and back away. It takes a big man to admit defeat and if you can do this, it means you’re emotionally mature. Real life doesn’t work the same way in movies where you end up with your first love. You will not always get the girl. This is a heartbreaking experience but to be fair, you don’t always like the people who like you.
5. That guy you actually, truly like, the one you would like get jiggy with, and share the most mundane, carnal, and sacred moments with. And who wants the same thing from you. The feeling when the person you like likes you back is something that can only be described as magical. Enough said.
I’m not seeing anyone right now but I’m okay. As the postmodern philosopher Swedish House Mafia once said, “don’t you worry, child, heaven’s got a plan for you.” In the meantime, I just have to put my game face on and face the world. And if it doesn’t work out, I just have to cry it out, wash my face, and say “next.”
Whoever invented the concept of threesomes is a genius. Imagine, the pleasure of sex multiplied by two. You get an extra mouth, an extra pair of hands, and an extra sex organ to work on you to enhance the sensations. But no one seems to be talking about it, or even acknowledging its presence. In a generation where we are defined by pre-marital sex, one night stands, and children born out of wedlock, what is the position of threesomes in society?
“Sex is good when there is adventure and a threesome doubles the excitement,” Sybil texts me when I ask her thoughts on the subject. She is a very good friend of mine and we talk about the most insightful and trivial things. Sex included. Sybil, a call center agent, is one of my more liberal friends but I was surprised when the girls I asked were just as open to the idea.
Mia, a writer friend, thinks it could be fun. I was shocked because I pegged her as conservative but she readily answered my questions. “I’ve never experienced it but I’m not ruling it out. Also, I think I have to know both of them to feel comfortable and I want two guys with me because I’d probably get so jealous if it were two girls and one guy.”
Sybil said the same thing but she added that if I ask guys, 99.9% of them would prefer two girls. I found the thought interesting so I also texted Syd, our friend who works as a consultant in a firm in Alabang. He called me in the middle of work just to say “I’d prefer two girls because I wouldn’t feel comfortable if a guy’s watching. I won’t get hard.” I also asked Syd if he was open to the idea of a threesome and he said yes, of course. Why? “Because it’s awesome,” he replied, laughing.
Universally, guys seem more open to the idea of threesomes than girls. You’d see this by the number of letters submitted to Playboy and Penthouse (and FHM) on the subject, proving that a threesome is one of a man’s biggest fantasies. My friend Andrew gave a very detailed account of his thoughts on threesomes and he seemed to be really into it. Mia assumes that guys are more receptive to the idea because of society’s double standards. She said that if girls say they want it, people think they’re sluts.
Some of my other friends didn’t agree with the concept of threesomes. Nina, a recent graduate of BS Psychology from a prestigious university said that she’s okay with other people doing it but not her. “I have a really romanticized idea about sex. An objectification of the act would make it less than what it’s supposed to be, which is very intimate.” Another good friend of mine, Effy, agrees with Nina and says that sex is something you share with the one you love. It’s sacred and it’s just between the two of you. I had a brief conversation with Greg, my ex-boyfriend, this afternoon and he said that sex between two people is rowdy enough. I wonder if he meant me.
Alexander, a 22 year old call center agent I met weeks ago seems to have mixed feelings about the idea. “I’m not really open to it but if my partner likes it and it doesn’t hurt me, then go. I know it would affect the relationship but the reason why my partner would seek others is because I’m not enough. So I’ll give them the choice. I just want my partner to be satisfied.”
A threesome between three single people is ideal, but what about couples who participate in threesomes? Sounds weird, but it happens. Sybil is in a relationship and she said that one of them has to be her boyfriend. I wanted to ask her more about this but I think she was already busy. Personally, it takes a lot of guts (and trust) to invite an outsider for a romp in the sheets. An ex-boyfriend once kept dropping hints about having a threesome and I kept saying no. There is the danger of being left out or being betrayed by your partner.
What is this fascination with threesomes? Why are people (secretly) trying to get it? Okay, I’m a bit exaggerating when I said that everyone is into it but what my friends said proves that threesomes aren’t as taboo anymore. Even Nina, who seemed decided against threesomes, used to fantasize about it. She said that she used to imagine what it would be like and feel like. There is also this one guy I met several months ago who seemed to prefer it over regular sex with one person. I asked some of my friends on Tumblr and Twitter and they said that many people like threesomes because it’s fun, exciting, and the idea of having two partners is better than one. Woody Allen was quoted as saying sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
Of course, I am not a stranger to this phenomenon. My most recent encounter was with the guy I was telling you about, the one obsessed with threesomes. We dated for a bit and he managed to convince me to participate in a little ménage à trois action. So he picks me up and we head to his friend’s place, who I didn’t know. I had no idea who he was, what he looked like, and what he does (which is a disadvantage, if you ask me). So we show up at his friend’s place and I was surprised to see that the guy was from my school. Even worse, he was a professor from my school. I freaked out and left. I was severely traumatized and vowed never to participate in threesomes unless I knew everyone involved.
Candace Bushnell once wrote that threesomes are a sexual variant instead of a sexual deviance, and I agree with it wholeheartedly, in spite of what happened. Threesomes can be fun if no strings are attached or if you’re the outsider. It’s definitely something everybody should try, or at least think about, because as they say, two heads are better than one (if you know what I mean).