I believe in the Marquis de Sade when he said that faith is for the weak, the last hope of the hopeless, when all its rational forms have flown out the window and all you have left are metaphysical, often mystical ideals.
I was pretty much surprised that after the train wreck that happened, I came out unscathed. I half-expected that I would end up like what happened after Q, but on the contrary, I was fine. When Q [who as my friends know is my first love] and I called it quits, everything changed. My grades dropped like the Little Boy over Hiroshima, my usual enthusiasm for life dwindled away, and get this, I even contemplated suicide. How pathetic was that? Aware of an impending and twice as horrible a wreck, I was worried because it was a couple of weeks away from the prelims and I was scared of failing the exams. It may surprise you, but I put a high value on my education. I may appear lax, but when it comes to my grades, it’s no laughing matter. How the hell am I supposed to buy dirty martinis without a high-paying job somewhere in the south of France?
Turns out, I did well. I did have a hard time in my Social Psychology exam, but I’m sure I could somehow scrape a passing grade. I wasn’t able to get all my results, but I am proud to say that I got a 92% in my Statistics [scoring the second highest – grr, Laura], and a 96% in my Theories of Personality, scoring the highest in my class. Needless to say, I went home straightaway to brag to my mom that my brother isn’t the only smart one in the family.
In spite of my academic success, I must say I am lonely. Living in singelity [sic] takes a lot of getting used to, and I do miss the company, the adoration, and the non-judgemental ears that go with the boyfriend package. Don’t get me wrong, I’m over A, but he’s still on my mind, occupying a cramped space between my Occulomotor and Facial Nerve. I’m just saying, letting go of a good habit and being single just takes getting used to.
I decided to accept my fate as a single man when Jane, a very good friend of mine said that sometimes the heart quits, not because it loses hope but because it wants to live an uncomplicated life. And then I thought to myself, I do want that. An uncomplicated life. These past few days, I’ve made desperate attempts to resuscitate my dying love life but obviously it was a sad and embarrassing endeavor not worth talking about. I finally smelled the desperation, and it wasn’t Dolce and Gabbana. After Jane imparted those wise words, I decided to live by it. I am not however, going to give up on love. I believe in the ancient Greek saying that we are born half a circle and we spend the rest of our lives looking for our other half. What I need to do is give my fragile heart a rest and focus my attention on something else. When I do break my vow of celibacy, I want it to be worth it.
I was just glad I had great friends I could always depend on. I was happy that after a year, my UST friends and I would be together again, maybe for the last time because Kay would be leaving for Canada next week. It took a year before the grand reunion as Eunice finally got knocked up and gave birth a couple of weeks ago. We were slated to go out yesterday, but Ysa, Eunice and I had a hard time contacting Kay and sadly, we had to cancel. I ended up going to Alabang with the folks to have dinner and watch the new Batman flick.
While the kids were playing in Timezone, I went to Powerbooks to browse their latest books. The buzz was still about Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series so I picked up a book of quotes [Beauty Parlor Wisdom] and read it. I didn’t really expect to pick up nuggets of wisdom, but there was this particular quote that I liked: the darker you go, the brighter the light. It is true that when you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.
And then I realized, I didn’t really believe in the Marquis de Sade. Yes, he has made very good points about great sex, but his quote about faith did not strike me as accurate anymore. Faith is not for the weak. It is for the strong. Holding on to something you are not sure will pull you through takes an enormous amount of strength and courage. I may not be the bravest Brady in the bunch, but I do have faith. Faith in myself that I can do it. Faith that despite the many miles that stand between us, we will forever be friends. Faith that I would one day meet someone who would be sure that I was the one, sweep me off my feet and take my breath away until I asphyxiate and die.