I had one of my attacks today. I can’t really explain what it is, but it usually happens when I get very frustrated. I actually had one last night too, and it was not pretty. It’s one of those times when you feel helpless and you want to do something but you can’t, because you don’t know what to do. Last night I just cried it off and thankfully, I fell asleep. I had a hard time trying to sleep that I was close to getting valiums from my friends. I was so desperate that I was considering swallowing enough tabs to knock me out till next week. I was in such bad shape that I wanted to kill myself to see how people would react. Maybe then I’d know who really cares.

I hate R. Last Sunday he promised he would go out with me today, so I was pretty happy about it. I have summer classes [2-5 during TTHS], and he wanted to meet me in the morning after he submitted his last paper. I asked if it would be okay if we meet in the morning, and he would wait in a nearby Starbucks during my class and we could hang out again after.

We were on the phone last night, smoothing things out for today, and then he was having seconds thoughts. I got upset when he wanted to reschedule because he’s not yet sure what his plans were at night. Get this, he promised he would go out with me Thursday and then he told me we had to reschedule because he still wasn’t sure what his plans would be for that night. That’s crazy. What made me more upset was when I remembered he told me he bends his schedule for the people he likes, and get this, even his parents have to adjust to his schedule. I got MORE upset because he said he wasn’t sure about today because of something his mom planned at the last minute. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind family affairs, but if he says even his mom adjusts to his schedule, then the fact that he can’t go out with me because his mom planned something at the last minute just doesn’t follow. It’s plain hypocrisy.

I hate him. His classes are already over and still I have to fight for my time. It’s so unfair.

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