While the trio of typhoons have been beneficial to me by suspending a week’s worth of classes, it did have its cons like dampering on my weekend plans. So instead of having lunch with Arvin and then a movie, and attending a restaurant opening, I found myself walking aimlessly around Alabang on a Saturday night. Well, I did buy an Oleg Cassini dress shirt so it wasn’t really THAT aimless.
On my way home, I was listening to the radio. Being a Saturday night, most stations played dance music, and lo and behold, what else could be playing but Deepest Blue. Deepest Blue is a song I’ve been enjoying for many years but listening to it last night, all the painful memories of Quincy came back. Months ago, I dedicated that song to him, and whenever I hear it, I think of Quincy and how much I love him. I know it’s pathetic that I’m still obsessing over him, but I can’t help it, I love him. There hasn’t come a day when I haven’t thought of him, and last night, the aching was too much to bear. I wasn’t really mad at him, I was just disappointed. I just wanted him back.
I will forever refer to him as my sweetest downfall. As much as I wanted to move on with my life, I find that I couldn’t. I had no idea why really, since during the 3 months we were together, he was only present for a month.
As I pick up the pieces of of my shattered heart, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was a test of my character. I have always considered myself to be strong, but after Quincy, I was left bloodied, weak, and unstable. Prior to, during the, and after the break up, I was an interminable wreck. I couldn’t focus on my studies and my stellar performance in my academics dropped. In fact I couldn’t remember doing anything profound after the prelim period. I could only guess where my professors would get my midterm grade. I became physically and emotionally stressed, and I became sick. Very sick. I was drained. I was frightened of the intensity of my emotions, and I asked myself, was I as strong as I liked to believe? Was I as my mighty as my facade? It ruined me, broke me, to know that my exterior was a sham. My indifference, my nonchalance was just a cover. Inside, I was just as vulnerable as everybody else. And what hurts me the most is that not only did I lie to the world, but I lied to myself.
Weeks ago, I spoke with a guy and I spilled my grief. Although we ended bitterly, I must admit Jeff has taught me an important lesson. I am just human and there was nothing wrong with that. I was initially aloof because I was still under the illusion that I was Wonder Woman. But then now, after reflecting, I realized Jeff was right. I was just human.
As I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, I couldn’t help but wonder if Quincy was a test of my character. I will forever refer to him as my sweetest downfall, but a downfall nonetheless. In spite of that, I will still respect him because he has taught me an invaluable lesson – being humble. I still see myself as Wonder Woman of course – fierce, headstrong, and capable of dishing it out like a real man. But beneath the sleek outfit and glossy hair, Wonder Woman is still a woman – delicate, fragile, and vulnerable.