The five guys we date.

My relationship with men is complicated. While I love the idea of a hot, muscular, and intelligent guy sweeping me off my feet, their hang-ups – being needy, clingy, controlling – are enough to drive me away. Oftentimes I find myself thinking of giving up on men, but whenever I see someone gorgeous, I want to scream, “Why can’t I quit you?

But then again, you can’t always have your cake and eat it, too. It’s like finding a Margiela that fits you in an ukay – the thought is delicious, yet almost impossible. With guys, there always has to be that one flaw, that dealbreaker.
Now, it’s easy when those dealbreakers are traits: they have a terrible personality. They are bad in bed. They have mommy issues. We all have them and hey, we just have to accept it. But what about chemistry? That thing that can be felt but can’t be explained.

I’m slowly being re-introduced to the whole chemistry thing because I started dating again this year. Allow me to channel Jourdan Miller from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 20 and reiterate that I haven’t had a boyfriend in three years so I’m a bit rusty when it comes to dating.

I haven’t had the time to date because of my many projects (another Jourdan moment, sorry). This year I went out with only two guys (a far cry from my previous years, when I would date two guys a month on average). I guess I did some growing over the past few months and now I’m ready to open myself up to a romantic possibility. I credit my solo trip to Hong Kong as a cathartic experience.

As I start opening myself up again, I need a refresher on the dynamics of the dating scene. Below are some of the guys I encountered during my colorful past as a a serial dater and who I’m sure I will encounter again:

1. That guy you’re sexually attracted to, but that’s it. You know how you’d see a person and just know – without a doubt that they are a monster in bed and would make you see clouds after each orgasm? And yet no matter how good the sex, no matter the sexual chemistry, there’s nothing beyond it. After a mindblowing fuckathon, you want to kick them out of your house so you can have that post-coital book-reading. Or in this age, post-coital tweeting. 
I’ve had my fair share of them, those guys you’d hook up with and have no interest in seeing outside the bedroom. This idea works only if the situation is clear that this is only a one night thing. Unfortunately, only a few such guys exist, and many continue reaching out, in the hope that a fling could turn into a relationship. No.

2. That guy you enjoy going out with, yet have no feelings of lust for. These are the guys you take everywhere. You have similar interests, are on the same wavelength, and they can tolerate all your hangups and flaws. You enjoy their company, and you genuinely like them, but the thought of having sex with them makes you cringe. I personally think that sexual chemistry is just as important as spiritual chemistry because what else is there to do when you find yourselves alone, at home, and in bed?

3. That guy you enjoy hanging out with, having sex with, and everything in between, but you have no desire to be in a relationship with. For me, these are the guys you can invite over for a passionate tryst and still have the desire to talk to after. Granted, most of our dates were spent in bed, and we have never gone out, but there is a special bond between us strengthened by the spiritual act of sex. I’m not sure how it’ll fly if we actually go out, and I’m not sure I’d recognize them in broad daylight – or with their clothes on.

4. That guy you take out to give your ego a boost. I don’t have guys like these, but I can imagine some people having someone they can go out with if their self-esteem needs a boost. I’d rather boost my ego doing something else (like saying something witty on Twitter or announcing on Grindr that I’m looking for sex and seeing how many people will respond), but if that’s how other people nurse their wounded egos, then so be it. They better be prepared for the consequences, though.

5. That guy you like, but who doesn’t like you back. Tough luck. Hey, we can’t always get what we want. It’s all a matter of personal taste and if they don’t dig you, you have to respect their decision and back away. It takes a big man to admit defeat and if you can do this, it means you’re emotionally mature. Real life doesn’t work the same way in movies where you end up with your first love. You will not always get the girl. This is a heartbreaking experience but to be fair, you don’t always like the people who like you.

5. That guy you actually, truly like, the one you would like get jiggy with, and share the most mundane, carnal, and sacred moments with. And who wants the same thing from you. The feeling when the person you like likes you back is something that can only be described as magical. Enough said.

I’m not seeing anyone right now but I’m okay. As the postmodern philosopher Swedish House Mafia once said, “don’t you worry, child, heaven’s got a plan for you.” In the meantime, I just have to put my game face on and face the world. And if it doesn’t work out, I just have to cry it out, wash my face, and say “next.”

I needed a pick me up not a pick up.

It was one of those days when my disposition matched the weather. I was not in a good mood because of certain people so I went out in the middle of the night for a quick smoke. I haven’t smoked in a long time but I needed that nicotine fix that would assure me everything would be all right.

When I got my cigarette, I was about to sit down when two guys called me. They weren’t really guys, they were gay. Crossdressers. They asked for a light and when I offered my cigarette, they asked me to sit down and join them. Not fast enough to think of an excuse or run, I sat. I don’t have a problem with crossdressers but I’m wary of strangers asking me to sit down with them in the middle of the night and “talk”.

I must say they were really nice. They even thought I was straight but when they found out I wasn’t, the more aggressive one kept making moves. Apparently, discretion wasn’t part of his vocabulary because he kept trying to hold my hand and linking his arm with mine even when I explicitly told him about V. He did ask me subtly if I wanted to get it on but I played dumb and pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about. I actually liked the other one better because he was more intellectual and wasn’t as “pervasive” as the one that dominated the conversation. Again, my inability to make excuses or run surfaced when they asked for my number. I did give it but I changed a few digits. Luckily, I left my phone so they won’t be able to verify it. When I left (they were gracious enough to ask me if I wanted to go already), I made sure they weren’t following.

Of course, nothing would result from what happened but it was nice to know that I still have market value and that I could be appreciated. My mood started to lift just as the rain started to pour.

Distant echoes from another time start to creep in my head

I feel pretty Hollywood-ish when I say R and I separated because of irreconcilable differences. I know I’m living in the Philippines and not in Hollywoodland, but no matter how you look at it, R and I really did separate because of irreconcilable differences.

A lot of people were surprised when news broke out that we were over. In fact, I was surprised too. Yes, it is true that this is not our first time to call it quits, but we usually got back together the following day, if not after a few hours. But this is different. This is for real. Like I said, we separated because we couldn’t reconcile. Come to think of it, I never fully understood the term irreconcilable until now.

I wouldn’t want to get into the sordid details because I do not want people to think less of R. Yes, he may be selfish at times, but all in all, he’s a good person. I must admit I didn’t give him the credit he deserved.

To a certain extent, yes, he was right when he said I was demanding. And I am sorry for that. No, you needn’t apologize to even the score because it’s my mistake. I shouldn’t have expected so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected anything from you at all.

I close my eyes and will mortality to surround me.

Sometimes I wonder: why am I still alive? I believe mortality is everywhere and yet it’s weird I’m still here, living, breathing, and committing the same mistakes over and over again.

From a spiritual perspective, I believe I am still alive because I have a purpose. I have a mission to fulfill, and I haven’t carried it out yet. But what is that purpose? Why am I still here?

I’m tired. I’m tired of living. Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t I played the role of emotional plaything one too many times? I’m tired of hoping, of waiting, of expecting, and ending up disappointed. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

In the room I am staying at now [my mom’s], there are at least 12 things here that could kill me. One of those things should just smite me. One of those 12++ things should smite me and beat my worthless body to a bloody and unrecognizable pulp. If some supernatural force won’t lift the lamp and slam it down my head, maybe I should just do it myself.

Fucker.

I had one of my attacks today. I can’t really explain what it is, but it usually happens when I get very frustrated. I actually had one last night too, and it was not pretty. It’s one of those times when you feel helpless and you want to do something but you can’t, because you don’t know what to do. Last night I just cried it off and thankfully, I fell asleep. I had a hard time trying to sleep that I was close to getting valiums from my friends. I was so desperate that I was considering swallowing enough tabs to knock me out till next week. I was in such bad shape that I wanted to kill myself to see how people would react. Maybe then I’d know who really cares.

I hate R. Last Sunday he promised he would go out with me today, so I was pretty happy about it. I have summer classes [2-5 during TTHS], and he wanted to meet me in the morning after he submitted his last paper. I asked if it would be okay if we meet in the morning, and he would wait in a nearby Starbucks during my class and we could hang out again after.

We were on the phone last night, smoothing things out for today, and then he was having seconds thoughts. I got upset when he wanted to reschedule because he’s not yet sure what his plans were at night. Get this, he promised he would go out with me Thursday and then he told me we had to reschedule because he still wasn’t sure what his plans would be for that night. That’s crazy. What made me more upset was when I remembered he told me he bends his schedule for the people he likes, and get this, even his parents have to adjust to his schedule. I got MORE upset because he said he wasn’t sure about today because of something his mom planned at the last minute. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind family affairs, but if he says even his mom adjusts to his schedule, then the fact that he can’t go out with me because his mom planned something at the last minute just doesn’t follow. It’s plain hypocrisy.

I hate him. His classes are already over and still I have to fight for my time. It’s so unfair.

I’m not going to write you a love song because you need one.

I’m going to write you one because I want to.

R and I are okay again. I like him. So sue me. After I posted the highly controversial entry preceding this one, he read it, and we had a huge argument. I got disappointed because I thought he would realize his mistake, but he didn’t, so I thought of ending everything. For good. I was considering swallowing my pride and continuing, but I thought that I would just drive myself crazy in the long run. I felt sad that it had to end that way but I stood my ground. To a certain extent, I was right. He was being unreasonable.

The following day, he asked if he could call. I was hesitating because I thought he was just going to lambaste my blog entry, but I was surprised when he apologized. He admitted his mistake and he promised to change. I forgave him in a heartbeat. Talk is cheap, but a sincere apology is worth millions. I accepted his apology not because I like him [though it is a factor], but because it is not easy to own up to your mistakes and admit you’re wrong.

So we’re okay again. He still hasn’t alloted time for me but he promised he would. Baby steps, right? I’d rather have baby steps than no steps at all.

An Ode [and an Elegy] to R; a.k.a. A Quote by Carrie Bradshaw: “I’d Like A Cheeseburger and A Cosmopolitan Please”

Where do you go after getting your heart broken? How do you regain your footing in life and act as if nothing happened, even though you’re completely shattered inside? I know I’m getting mushy, but after the horrific mess with R, I just want to blow off some steam. And for me, the best way to blow off steam is to write about it.

I met R a few weeks ago through bff Arvin. I must admit I was intially intimidated by him, but we got to talk, and yeah, I was attracted to him both physically and intellectually. I must say, R is a pretty goodlooking, intelligent and smart man. I know. So my type. I was hit, and I was hit fast. In a way, R reminded me of Quincy, which I liked. Not in the sense that R is a lot like Quincy, but because both are ambitious, driven, and witty.

I first got to meet R three weeks ago in Embassy [he goes to Emba a lot]. That night, I also got to meet bff Arvin’s friends from school, and I loved every single one of them. Before that night, R and I were getting pretty close. He texts me a lot [and I mean A LOT], he calls me frequently, and we were slowly getting intimate. That night, we weren’t able to talk that much because we ran into each other when the fashion flock [Arvin and the gang; they’re taking Fashion Design in CSB] and I were about to leave. Our conversation was short, but it sparked something.

After Emba, bff Arvin and I went to 711 in Taft to pig out on chips and soda. R and I were texting, and he even called me, and you can tell that something different is going on already. During the first few weeks, I was already into him, and it drove me crazy thinking whether or not he was into me too. Yeah, you could argue that he wouldn’t spend so much time, and phone credit for that matter, if he didn’t like me to a certain extent. But after meeting on that fateful night in Emba, he admitted he liked me too and thus begun our mutual understanding.

He became sweet, and his messages and calls became more frequent. I couldn’t say I was in love with him [that would be silly], but I liked him a lot. So naturally, I asked him out so we could get to know more of each other, but he couldn’t because he had a shoot to finish for his project. The following week, he was in Zambales, so I didn’t see him when I went to Emba with the fashion flock. But we were texting a lot while I was dancing my heart out that night. The following day, I went to Mall Of Asia with my friends to watch our friends gig, and we were still texting.

Last Saturday, I went to Emba, but this time it was just me and Arvin. We did run into Fatz, one of the fashion flock, but it was just the bffs that night. R was also there, and that night served as our first date. He came over our table and joined us for a while, but bff Arvin and I wanted to go to McDonalds for another pig-out session, and R had to return to his friends.

[I just want to segue: Cablits, you do not go to the Fort just to eat cheeseburgers! Kidding! Was great running into you there and then in Alabang the following day :p]

After binging on burgers, fries, nuggets and soda [we each had our own set, I know, it’s gross], we returned, giddy with carbs and oil, only to find out that R was high as a kite. He probably got it from his friends, but he was on E and he was a jetplane cruising the night sky of the Fort.

I didn’t approve of him taking E because I already did that and it was not good. Yeah, the feeling was fantastic and nothing could compare to a trip to La La Land, but it did have bad effects, and the last time I dropped, I lost my phone. Despite my disapproval, I felt happy because he joined us and spent the rest of the night with us instead of his friends. I was feeling tense because he was standing so close. It was funny [and kilig-worthy] to think that there was so much space where we were standing, yet he was so close to me that we were practically rubbing ourselves against each other. I would have enjoyed the night more, but my feet were killing me because of the tiring day I had before going to Emba. It was our finals exam in Arts App. and we had to make a production. I was in charge of the fashion show and I had to teach the models to walk down the makeshift runway in the school ampitheater. It was not an easy task considering the steps were too big, even for my long legs [I’m tall]. So while trying to make sure my hair was in place and poising myself beside R, I was secretly hoping my legs wouldn’t give way.

The following day, I was pretty depressed. R has been working me up, and working me up good. I was ecstatic when he texted me saying he was happy because he was with me, but his night life has been bothering me. I honestly did not mind that he goes out everyday. I did not feel bad that he was out on the town on a daily basis because he texts me, and he calls me a lot. I did not feel jealous or paranoid, because I knew he was with his friends. And besides, to a certain extent, I trust him. What killed me was that he could afford to go out everyday with his friends, but he did not have time to go out with me. Yes, I knew that it was easier to go out with his friends because they were his classmates and they lived near, but would it be hard to spare some time for me too? I talked to him about this, and it broke my heart when he told me I was demanding. Is asking for a night a week, maybe one night every two weeks demanding? I also understood that he was graduating and the pressure is as high as Amy Winehouse’s addiction, but come on, he could go out everyday and come home at 2 in the morning. I did not ask him to stop seeing his friends because that is not right. What I was just asking is if he could make some time for me too.

Then he confessed. He told me he had issues with his sexuality which prevented him from going out with guys. I understand his situation that he is in the closet, but how far he is hiding surprises me. He opened up about how his previous dates went: drive-throughs, road trips to Tagaytay, and the best [the worst, rather]: how he would leave the guy if he sees a friend of his in the mall.

It breaks my heart how selfish, paranoid, immature, and egocentric he is. But surprisingly, I did not get angry. I am at that point where I’m so into him that I don’t care what he’s like. It just broke my heart that I was hearing what I was hearing. What hurt me the most was how unfair he was. He expected me to understand him, yet he refused to understand me. I felt sad because he was not who I expected him to be. I was not turned off. Yes, I was disappointed, but I like him nonetheless. I sent him a message yesterday, while I was dressing up so I could meet Kathy in Alabang.

“I don’t like your attitude, but I like you a lot. And because I do, I will accept you for who you are.”

But it makes me think. Could I stand this? Could I tolerate this kind of behavior? I like him, but how far would liking him go? He said that he did not have time because of the pressure of his impending graduation and he said it won’t be like this for long. But he also said that he’s not comfortable being seen in public with a guy. I don’t understand him. He does not make any sense. But because I like him so much, I learned to swallow my pride and cover the mouthpiece of the phone while I forced my tears to stop falling. I don’t understand, but I’ll force myself to.

I like him, but I think I have to end this. He’s obviously not ready. But if he can change his ways, great. If not, then [I can’t think of any word I could use, sorry].

While having lunch, I wondered: where do you after getting your heart broken? And then I realized, you don’t. You just get on with your life. You don’t supress your broken heart, because you can’t. The least you can do is regain control and not let your failed relationship ruin everything else. I’ve had my heart broken several times and I’ve learned my lesson. A bad break-up may lead to good economy, but only if you choose to. Life is a cycle of causes and effects. Everything has a choice.