For those who I haven’t seen in the past few weeks, I have a boyfriend now. Yes, I’m currently in a relationship and honestly, I’ve never been this happy. Last Saturday, while we were out to celebrate our first month together, I told him about my previous relationships and how none of them worked. I know it’s never a wise move to talk to your beau about your past loves but I was trying to tell him that I’ve never been this kilig. For our first month, he took me to the place where we had our first date.
Just for the sake of being vague, allow me to say this: I miss my heartbeat for you.
Lately, I’m being bothered by a new set of emotions. Actually, I wouldn’t call it an emotion because it’s more of a state – but it’s the accompanying emotions of this state that’s bothering me.
I believe in the theory that we as a people grow through conflict. Serious or otherwise, every individual goes through some sort of problem each day. Oddly, I don’t have any. Every aspect of my life is running smoothly. I have stellar grades, I recently got hold of two important positions in two separate councils in my school, I have great relations with my colleagues, professors, and friends, and to top it off – I have a kicking love life. And that’s what’s bothering me. Everything is going well. Too well.
I believe that it is conflict that makes our life interesting. Exciting. It makes for a silly anectode, a great story, a fabulous ice-breaker, and a reason to get together on a weeknight to drink with supportive friends. We learn through conflict. We grow through conflict. I fear that if my life stays this way, I would remain stagnant – rotting in my wonderland existence of WASPy persuasion.
My guy, who we will refer to as A, says that this is normal. It is, in fact, what we should feel. Have I reached a tensionless state that can only be achieved through hypnosis? Analyze that, Mr. Freud. Freud would probably say that I’ve let go of my oral fixation, or resolved my birth trauma, but I guess you could sum up what I’m going through as a clean conscience.
This feeling is weird. The feeling of not worrying about anything is totally new to me. But I like it.
Last Wednesday, Reniel and I agreed that he should come over so we could fix things. We’ve been having problems and we both felt that we should see each other to make up. We did make up, and me and some of my friends ended up having some of the puttanesca he brought.
When he left, I got bothered by what was happening. I knew for a fact that he lived in Valenzuela, but I only realized how far it was that day. He left around six, and he arrived home at nine. Now that’s something.
Things didn’t help when one of my closest friends moved here to the village. It made me realize how far Reniel is. With Kathy, I can come over any time of the day without planning. It’s that convenient. With Reniel, we have to plan everything in advance. To most people, this is nothing, but to me, it matters. It matters a lot.
Reniel called it geographic desirability. I call it practicality. It’s not easy dating someone who lives three, four, or even five cities away. It’s not. It would be easier if we went to the same school, but no. That’s not the case. I know distance shouldn’t matter when it’s in the context of love, but it’s one of the things that are important to me. I’m to blame of course, because I shouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place knowing he lives across the universe.
I ended things with him this morning. He said that I didn’t make any sense. Maybe he’s right.
J’s G4M account is really driving me crazy. By far, I think this is the first entry where I comprehensively put my thoughts into writing (most entries were just outlines, or just stuff that I do). Talking to someone really helps, but all my friends live in the north, and well, I can’t really talk to J about this – he might think I’m neurotic (well, I believe he’ll be reading this later). Well, that stupid account is really driving my sanity away.
Well, he knew something was up, but I’d rather talk to the laptop about it than him. My two-tracked mind is just, well – driving me nuts. Yes, I should just get over that account – after all, it is just an account, but the fact is that it’s freaking G4M. It’s an account where you pick guys up. Why would he create an account there in the first place? I’ve been thinking about it – and, well – I can’t think of any valid reason.
It just pushes me off the edge knowing that I can’t hold him back, that I can control those guys messaging him for hook ups and shit just as much as I control the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.
There are really times when I get terribly insecure (stems from the past – I used to be fat and ugly – I
now used to be svelte – and well, I’m not really gorgeous, but I’ve improved), and I keep torturing (J’s term) myself, thinking the worst – what if J finds someone better than me?
Let’s be realistic – I’m just human. Hey – people assume that I’m this heartless cynical ego-bloated asshole – and that’s true – but I can’t lie. There will always be people better than I am, and I accept that fact.
I have to admit, I’m a very vulnerable person. According to my shrink, I’m a vulnerable person hungry for love – but then when it comes my way, I drive it away with my cynicism.
Just a reality check. I’m having one of my mood swings, but don’t you worry, later on, I’ll be building my wall of defense – and back to that Koji everybody knows.
This question absolutely ruins people who are seeing each other. I’ve known this fact for quite some time, and yet, I never learn. I just had to ask J this:
So where are we headed?
Apparently, this is not one of the questions you ask anyone, especially those who are afraid of commitments. And I just found out J was.
I suddenly felt the world crumbling around me, the foundation of my relationship with J slowly cracking beneath my feet, and I felt like I had nothing. All the progress I thought we made seemed so trivial. So insignificant. Unimportant.
The problem lies between the both us, and I am glad to take my share of the blame. My fault was, besides being stupid, is rushing. Obviously, asking that question to a guy you just met shouts, when are you going to be my boyfriend, and it’s sort of scary. A normal guy (and J is sweet enough not be a nasty pervert like all the other men) does not rush, and asking the questions speeds the process to a scary vroooom.
On J’s part, I think his fear of commitment stems from a bad past (well he was implying, correct me if I’m wrong), and I think it’s really unfair that he should let his past affect his present and future as well.
Anyway, I was feeling terrible about it, and J knew. I’m not the type of person who bottles his emotions and thoughts, and he had an earful, well we were in YM, and I have no idea what you call that, letterful? Anyway, he had a letterful of what I had to say, and he did a wonderful job of making me feel better.
And the next thing I knew, I was a happy pill.
I don’t know if I have bi-polar personality disorder or what, but what I know is, I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex & The City while writing this entry. Lol.
There we were, on my bed, watching Queer As Folk while I lay on his chest, and his arm around me, while I chewed on a Japanese lychee flavored candy. We were holding hands, silent, filling the awkward gap with music from the television.
He broke the silence with a chuckle, and, “I can smell your candy from here..”
I smiled and squeezed his hand, and replied, “Are you sure it’s my candy? Must be my soap you’re smelling.”
I took a bath before he got here, and I assumed he mistook my peach scented liquid soap for my candy.
“Are you sure it’s my candy?” I asked, facing him. He looks at me, smiles, and nods.
I leaned over and kissed him, allowing his tongue to lick my lips, letting it roll inside my mouth, feeling its warmth envelope me.
“So, it’s my candy?” I asked again, grinning. He was grinning as well, and I said, “Well you can have more..” I leaned over again and soon we were locked in an embrace, arms around each other, kissing each other for a long time.
This was the scene earlier when J came over my house. I was soooooo kilig 🙂