MANILA, Philippines – Media darlings Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting a divorce (insert sad face). The couple has not talked to the public about what happened, but the decision seems final and that they will “remain friends.” Rumors began plaguing the couple, from allegations of cheating (on Katy’s part), pregnancy (also on Katy’s), and a separation that ultimately led to the sweethearts’ demise. Sources close to the two say that Katy’s partying habits and the two’s clashing schedules caused the fireworks display to come crashing down.
Hello, Hollywood! The set of The Bourne Legacy will be in the Philippines to shoot key scenes. According to director Tony Gilroy, 40 percent of the film will be shot in Manila and eight locations have been selected for filming: Intramuros, Navotas Fishport, Marikina City Market, San Andres Market, Ramon Magsaysay Boulevard, Ayala Avenue, Nagtahan, and Pasay-Taft Rotonda for one of the film’s car chase sequences. We feel that our haphazard jeepneys and murderous bus drivers will contribute more than their fair share of action to the plot. Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, and Edward Norton, you’re welcome.
A collection of online activists who attack government and high-profile websites call themselves Anonymous (so original) and left a cryptic message on government sites saying, “Occupants of the west are still on the move and in no such time, Manila, will be the center of unethical activities in Asia. For some reasons that is (sic) untold, they choose (sic) the Philippines to organize a legion that will nullify the entire Philippine Cyberspace.” For some reasons that are untold, the effect of their message was somehow lost in their wrong grammar. Yoo hoo, Anonymous! If you need people to edit your online writings on the wall, Supreme is your team! Also, how do you divide one by zero? Just kidding, please don’t hack our website and Twitter account! Kthxbye!
As if his gruesome unsolved murder wasn’t sickening enough, some really twisted individual thought the Internet might benefit from a sex tape of the murdered Ramgen Revilla and his girlfriend, Janelle Manahan. According to Janelle’s lawyer, she was being blackmailed through Facebook by one of Ramgen’s siblings warning her, “You are not clean, Ate Janelle.” Sen. Bong Revilla, who helped author the Anti-Voyeurism Act in the Philippines, called then video pambababoy to Janelle and the memory of his slain half-brother. The NBI has stated that they can trace the source of the video to find out who the culprit is. Maybe they can also figure out who really uploaded Mo Twister’s confessional video. —Cai Subijano
Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio made headlines when he vowed to cut his testicles off if his clients, the Arroyos, would not return after a trip abroad, but he is now facing another controversy when he admitted to “idolizing” Nazi leader Adolf Hitler. The story was brought to light when he was interviewed in his office with a large portrait of the freaky fuehrer hanging behind his desk. Topacio defended his devotion by saying that there is no evidence that Hitler ordered the holocaust, and that Germany became very prosperous under his rule. Hitler is considered as responsible for the death of over six million Jews, but one of the stories that stuck about the leader is that he only had one testicle. Which only means one thing: Um, someone is kind of craaaazy. Just kind of.