Okay. I lied. I said I’ve moved on, but I really haven’t. I did think about the situation and rationalized everything, but I seem to be incapable of internalizing my realizations. I always thought that if I don’t talk about or think about A, I could fool myself into thinking that the mess never happened. It was effective, but it was wrong. For a moment, I seem to have forgotten the point of defense mechanisms, one of them being repression. A defense mechanism is just something the ego does to avoid tension. It avoids tension, but it doesn’t necessarily get rid of it. Repressing my memories is a way of running away from the pain. It does not make me strong as I mentioned in my previous entry. It makes me weak.
It kills me to know that not only have I lied, I also realized that what I have been doing proves how weak I am. I always thought of myself as strong, but I realized that flushing bad thoughts to the unconscious just shows that I am a coward. Instead of facing my problems head on, I run away from it. I believe that it takes more strength to admit defeat, and now that I have realized my mistake, I am admitting mine.
I said I’ve moved on, and for a while, I thought I did. But when I think about A, all the memories that I’ve sent away come flooding back, and it hurts. Repression works. It’s tried and tested, and there are days when I don’t think about him. But on the rare chance that I do, everything comes back, and it’s just as painful. For the first time, I reluctantly entertained the thought that I will never be with him again. It was hard, but I knew that it was highly probable. I used to fervently hold on to what he told me the night we broke up, that now is not the time, but I finally resigned myself to the thought that I might not be able to see him again and hold his hand, kiss him, hear him make nyar nyar and Kokey sounds, and play the silly games that we play.
This morning, I woke up with aching limbs and an aching butt. Yesterday, I went ice skating with my brother in Mall of Asia and it gave me a high I haven’t experienced in a long time. Despite the one false move I made while helping my brother up [and ending with my butt on the ice], it was fun. Because I couldn’t move, I spent the morning watching Meet the Robinsons on Disney. I liked the movie when I first saw it [I cried], but I didn’t expect it would hold new meaning for me. Keep moving forward was the key quote, and I remember liking it while I was drying my tears in the theater. If there was a quote that I should internalize now, it would be that. Keep moving forward. I once said that you shouldn’t let your failed relationship ruin everything else, but it also means you shouldn’t let it ruin the romantic aspect of your life.
I think it’s time to face the truth. I haven’t moved on. I still love you, and maybe I forever will. My love for you was pure, honest, and selfless. I have loved you in a way I haven’t loved anyone else, but I have to move forward. Lewis in Meet the Robinsons was given the chance to go back in time and see his mother the night she gave him up for adoption. He had the opportunity to change her mind, but he didn’t. He was about to tap her shoulder, but he realized that if he did, the future would change and he wouldn’t have the Robinsons as his family. Like Lewis, I will not tap your shoulder. As much as it hurts for me to let you go, I know I have to. I too, am going down a downward spiral, and the only way I could break out is by moving on. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Kathy told me that I can never find somebody better if I believe that I have already found the best. I will, no, shall, move forward.
P.S. But on the off chance that you do change your mind, let’s give it a shot. I read somewhere that The One is not pre-ordained. You work for it, and you fight for it, until you are each other’s destinies. If you feel and want me to be the other half of your circle, I’m here. (after all, I still am in the process of moving forward)