Cynicism

J’s G4M account is really driving me crazy. By far, I think this is the first entry where I comprehensively put my thoughts into writing (most entries were just outlines, or just stuff that I do). Talking to someone really helps, but all my friends live in the north, and well, I can’t really talk to J about this – he might think I’m neurotic (well, I believe he’ll be reading this later). Well, that stupid account is really driving my sanity away.

Well, he knew something was up, but I’d rather talk to the laptop about it than him. My two-tracked mind is just, well – driving me nuts. Yes, I should just get over that account – after all, it is just an account, but the fact is that it’s freaking G4M. It’s an account where you pick guys up. Why would he create an account there in the first place? I’ve been thinking about it – and, well – I can’t think of any valid reason.

It just pushes me off the edge knowing that I can’t hold him back, that I can control those guys messaging him for hook ups and shit just as much as I control the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.

There are really times when I get terribly insecure (stems from the past – I used to be fat and ugly – I now used to be svelte – and well, I’m not really gorgeous, but I’ve improved), and I keep torturing (J’s term) myself, thinking the worst – what if J finds someone better than me?

Let’s be realistic – I’m just human. Hey – people assume that I’m this heartless cynical ego-bloated asshole – and that’s true – but I can’t lie. There will always be people better than I am, and I accept that fact.

I have to admit, I’m a very vulnerable person. According to my shrink, I’m a vulnerable person hungry for love – but then when it comes my way, I drive it away with my cynicism.

Just a reality check. I’m having one of my mood swings, but don’t you worry, later on, I’ll be building my wall of defense – and back to that Koji everybody knows.

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